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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29653206">Chasing After Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoWordsPageEmpty/pseuds/NoWordsPageEmpty'>NoWordsPageEmpty</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>piece by piece and kiss by kiss [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angsty Third Wheeling, But it's angsty, Established Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei/Iwaizumi Hajime, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oikawa Tooru Likes Outer Space, Oikawa Tooru is Bad at Feelings, Pining, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Third Wheels, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Volleyball Dorks in Love, What Was I Thinking?, and he loves his three best friends, and volleyball, oikawa tooru knows what he wants, they're all stupid and oblivious, they're in love, this doesn't have a real plot but let's just pretend it does</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:08:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,499</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29653206</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoWordsPageEmpty/pseuds/NoWordsPageEmpty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa Tooru always knew what he wanted and usually he chased after it too, no matter how fast he would have to run. He was used to it, used to reaching for the stars and he was just as used to the sun rising and making them disappear. Still, even if there were a few things Tooru couldn't hold on to yet, he continued to chase after them, he tried and tried and tried, no matter what other people said. And usually that took him farther, made him fly higher and let the stars come a little closer. But somehow this was completely different from reaching for the stars.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hanamaki Takahiro/Iwaizumi Hajime, Hanamaki Takahiro/Iwaizumi Hajime/Matsukawa Issei, Hanamaki Takahiro/Iwaizumi Hajime/Matsukawa Issei/Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Hanamaki Takahiro/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Matsukawa Issei/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>piece by piece and kiss by kiss [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125701</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm sorry, this is a little bit later than usual and also very messy but I was struggling a little with the plot and all, so please don't be too disappointed with this. It's kind of really awful.<br/>I hope you'll still enjoy it :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oikawa Tooru always knew what he wanted and usually he chased after it too, no matter how fast he would have to run. He was used to it, used to reaching for the stars and he was just as used to the sun rising and making them disappear. Still, even if there were a few things Tooru couldn't hold on to yet, he continued to chase after them, he tried and tried and tried, no matter what other people said. And usually that took him farther, made him fly higher and let the stars come a little closer. But somehow this was completely different from reaching for the stars.</p><p>     "I really hope that this is for me or else I might not be able to forgive you." Tooru didn't greet his friends when he opened the door but they didn't seem to mind all that much.</p><p>Hanamaki, Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were standing at Tooru's doorstep, matching expressions of embarrassment and guilt on their faces. Hanamaki was scratching the back of his neck, giving Tooru a careful half-smile that made it really hard to pretend that he was mad at them. Matsukawa was standing right next to him, their shoulders brushing against each other, and looked at Tooru with the hint of a grin on his face. </p><p>Tooru could feel the corners of his mouth twitch but he bit his lip to keep himself from smiling. </p><p>Iwaizumi, on Matsukawa's left side, was holding a basket with milkbread in his hands, his eyebrows furrowed and his gaze set on Tooru as if he was trying to read him.</p><p>     "Hello to you too," Matsukawa joked, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants.</p><p>"Coming from the man who didn't have the decency to say goodbye yesterday." Tooru dramatically out his hand over his heart, feigning offense.</p><p>"Yeah, sorry about that."</p><p>"We kind of messed up," Hanamaki chimed in.</p><p>"You could have listened to me," Tooru teased, "I would have expected this kind of reckless behaviour from Iwa-chan but not from you two. Truly disappointing." </p><p>He shook his head but smirked a little, signalizing that everything was fine between them. Tooru glanced at Iwaizumi, expecting his friend to react to his comment but the other just kept on silently staring at Tooru, his frown deepening.</p><p>"If he would have listened to you, then I wouldn't have two boyfriends instead of one," Hanamaki remarked, suddenly focused on Tooru in a similiar way to Iwaizumi.</p><p>Tooru could feel his blood freeze in his veins, an icy sting attacking his heart and snow filling his lungs until Tooru felt like he needed to gasp for air.</p><p>His smile fell and he stared at his friends, feeling his heart tightening when Hanamaki's hand brushed against Matsukawa's.</p><p><em>What did you think was going to happen?</em>, Tooru scolded himself, <em>Did you seriously assume that they were going to continue being friends after this?</em></p><p>No, he hadn't thought that, not really. As soon as he had lifted the blind fold from his eyes to look at his friends, he'd known what was going to happen. Suddenly everything fell into place and realization had hit him: realization that he was going to be alone after that night.</p><p>But somehow, hearing it from them and seeing them reach out for each other without pulling back just a second later, somehow that made it feel so much more present and so much more painful.</p><p>     "Are you okay?" Iwaizumi spoke for the first time since Tooru had opened the door, his gaze still set on the taller boy. The expression on his face turned to worry and Tooru could see his fingers tapping against the basket.</p><p>"Yeah, yeah," Tooru grinned at him as happily as he could manage right now, "I was just thinking that you always call me dramatic, but in the end you're the ones who had two, theatrical kisses in front of everyone."</p><p>Hanamaki flushed and Iwaizumi scowled, though the tips of his ears turned red. Matsukawa just smirked a bit and shrugged his shoulders.</p><p>     "It's not my fault I'm irresistable," he joked, not at all flustered by Tooru's teasing.</p><p>     "It was a dare and you ran away immediately after it happened," Tooru reminded him.</p><p>     "Semantics."</p><p>Tooru huffed and leaned against the doorway. His heart felt heavy in his chest and he wished that his friends would leave so that he could forget that any of this had ever happened, if only for a few hours.</p><p>     "Can we maybe," Iwaizumi started, suddenly avoiding his gaze, "come in for a while?"</p><p>Tooru's eyes widened and he could feel his stomach twist.</p><p>     <em>Please don't.</em></p><p>He didn't know if he could stand being with them right now, watching them hold hands or kiss each other's cheek just like Hanamaki and Iwaizumi had done every day during the last week. Just that now it wouldn't be Tooru and Matsukawa watching but only Tooru.</p><p>He would have to watch them exchange touches and gazes that were meant for each other and no one else, not even for Tooru who shared everything with them, including his heart.</p><p>     "I don't really have the time," he blurted out, "Takeru has a volleyball game in an hour and I need to do some stuff."</p><p>Tooru could see the frown return to Iwaizumi's face while Hanamaki and Matsukawa exchanged a quick glance that made Tooru's heart sting.</p><p>"I know that this must break your hearts but please don't cry over me," Tooru added, hoping that the melodramatic joke would make his lie a little more believable.</p><p>"Do you really not have any time?" Matsukawa asked.</p><p>"Nope." Tooru bit his lip to avoid chuckling nervously. "I really have to, uh, work on my math homework."</p><p>"I thought you finished that already," Hanamaki commented.</p><p>Tooru shrugged. "I forgot a bit," he lied, "But don't worry, we'll see each other on Monday. You won't have to miss me for too long."</p><p>"But we -," Matsukawa began but Tooru cut him off before he could say something else to question Tooru's excuses.</p><p>"I'll just take this-" Tooru took the milkbread out of Iwaizumi's arms. "-and then we'll see each other tomorrow."</p><p>Hanamaki opened his mouth but Tooru already made a few steps back, grabbing the door handle.</p><p>"Bye," he smiled and closed the door in front of his friends' faces.</p><p>As soon as he couldn't see them anymore, Tooru's smile wavered and he sighed deeply.</p><p>Tooru always knew what he wanted and he knew that he wanted to be with his best friends in a way that didn't suit the word "best friends" at all. He knew that he wanted to kiss them, hold them and make them laugh, wanted to stay with them until the stars ran out of light. He knew what he wanted but this time it seemed like it was way too far away for him to chase it.</p><p>~</p><p>The walk to school was awkward and tense and Tooru despised almost every second of it. The part he walked alone with Iwaizumi was usually filled with their bickering and talking about Science Fiction movies or volleyball but this time it felt different. Not like it had felt a week ago when Iwaizumi had been nervous because he was dating Hanamaki. </p><p>It was different because of that weird expression on the other's face, his intense gaze set on Tooru. Iwaizumi looked like he was trying to solve a puzzle but half of the pieces were missing. It made Tooru's skin tingle, because he was flustered and also because he didn't know what puzzle Iwaizumi was trying to solve.</p><p>When they picked up Matsukawa, everything became a little less unsettling but that didn't mean that it was any better. </p><p>"Good morning," Tooru grinned at his friend.</p><p>"Hi," the other replied, joining them to walk on Iwaizumi's right side.</p><p>Tooru could feel his heart burn when he saw their pinkies interlock for a few seconds until both of them pulled their hands away again, a blush on Iwaizumi's cheeks and the hint of a smile on Matsukawa's lips.</p><p>"So, how was Takeru's game?"</p><p>Tooru frowned before he remembered the lie he'd told his friends the day before when he had tried to escape them.</p><p>"Oh, he won." Tooru grinned at Matsukawa. "I'm glad to see that he has his uncle's skills."</p><p>"Isn't he a wing spiker?" Iwaizumi asked.</p><p>"That doesn't matter," Tooru huffed, "What counts is that he's good at it."</p><p>They continued talking about whatever came to their minds, switching from Takeru's non existent game to the new album of Matsukawa's favorite band and then to the tension between Kyoutani and Yahaba.</p><p>     "The next time Yahaba slams Mad Dog-chan against a wall, they're probably going to start kissing on the spot," Tooru exclaimed, "It's painful to watch those two dance around each other."</p><p>"You know," Matsukawa grinned, "I think that when Watari ordered Makki and I to kiss, he was actually aiming for those two."</p><p>The reminder of what had happened on the week end left a bitter taste on Tooru's tongue. Memories from Saturday night flashed through his mind. Lips on lips and soft touches, the pretty image of a kiss slowly turning into a reality of loneliness.</p><p>     "What are we talking about?" Hanamaki was waiting at the bus stop, hands in his pockets and a crooked grin on his face.</p><p>"About when you and Mattsun embarrassed yourself in front of everyone on Saturday," Tooru said, almost flinching at how bitter he sounded.</p><p>"The first time a girl kissed you, you called her an alien and she started crying," Iwaizumi commented dryly, reminding Tooru of what had been the most embarrassing moment in his life.</p><p>"That was in middle school," he defended himself, "It was supposed to be a compliment. It's not my fault she misunderstood."</p><p>"Why did you think calling her an alien after she kissed you was a good idea?" Hanamaki grinned.</p><p>"It was a compliment," Tooru repeated.</p><p>"What kind of compliment is that supposed to be?" Matsukawa laughed slightly.</p><p>"Aliens are cool." Tooru glared at his friend, "Besides-"</p><p>"Godzilla is better," Iwaizumi corrected him immediately, something that was almost more of a habbit than anything else, considering how often they had had that argument already.</p><p>"You're not having that discussion again," Hanamaki groaned.</p><p>"<em>Besides</em>," Tooru continued, ignoring both of his friends, "I bet you said something even more embarrassing after your first kiss."</p><p>"Hanamaki asked me if I had to tip toe to kiss him," Iwaizumi muttered.</p><p>Tooru could see Hanamaki blushing furiously while Matsukawa grinned.</p><p>His heart clenched in his chest.</p><p>Tooru bit back a sigh and walked a bit faster than before, hoping that this stupid walk was going to be over very soon.</p><p>~</p><p>The only thing that motivated Tooru throughout the day was the volleyball practice after school, the only time when his friends wouldn't be able to flaunt their relationship in front of him and the only time when Tooru could focus on something simpler than all of these emotions inside of him. After school Tooru would be able to play and forget about everything outside of the gym.</p><p>And so he tried to get the day over with while avoiding his friends as much as possible. During lunch he was walking around the school, only coming to his friends' usual table to have enough time to eat something. His excuse was a confession by a girl that was a little bit too persistent.</p><p>Tooru wasn't sure if his friends had believed him, judging by Matsukawa's raised eyebrow and Iwaizumi's frown, that was probably not the case. But it didn't matter because he'd rather tell bad lies than the painful truth.</p><p>Because <em>I spent lunch hiding behind the school because seeing all of you together, being in love without me, makes my heart ache</em> is not something you want to tell someone, especially not your best friends. </p><p>And that was why Tooru left as soon as Hanamaki exchanged glances with Matsukawa and Iwaizumi, opening his mouth to say something. </p><p>It was also the reason why Tooru rushed out of the locker room as soon as his friends had gotten changed, waiting long enough to not be suspicious or look like he was ignoring them but not staying to let them talk to him.</p><p>They practiced serves during practice, something that couldn't have been better for avoiding his friends without making it seem like he was ignoring them. All three of them knew that Tooru was very keen on improving, especially when it came to setting and his serve, so he knew that he could just practice in silence without being weird.</p><p>It was nice, hearing nothing but the noise of volleyballs hitting the floor, and only seeing the ball in front of him and the other side of the court. Tooru felt like he could finally breathe again, slamming one ball after the other over the net until his hand burned.</p><p>Practice was over way too quickly and Tooru could feel the lightness inside of his chest be replaced by dread of the walk home as soon as he saw his team head to the club room.</p><p>He turned to his friends, wanting to tell them that he would stay for a bit longer and that they could leave if they wanted to.</p><p>The three of them were standing in front of him, Hanamaki and Matsukawa wearing matching grins and Iwaizumi holding a volleyball in his hand, a slight smirk on his face.</p><p>"Do you want to stay a little bit longer?" Hanamaki asked, "We haven't played together for a while now."</p><p>Tooru wanted to scream. </p><p>
  <em>     Why does nothing ever go as planned?</em>
</p><p>"I can't," he forced himself to say even though it physically pained him to refuse an extra training session. Especially when it was approved by Iwaizumi of all people who usually dragged him home as soon as he even thought about it.</p><p>"You can't," Matsukawa repeated, the smirk on his face fading.</p><p>"Yes." Tooru nodded quickly. "My mother wants me to be home very soon today."</p><p>"Really?" Hanamaki frowned, pushing his hands into the sides of his shorts.</p><p>"Yes," Tooru said.</p><p>"But -" Iwaizumi started.</p><p>"I really appreciate how desperate you are to see me but I can't."</p><p>"We really need to talk." Iwaizumi made a step towards Tooru.</p><p>He could feel his heart beat in his entire body, fast and hard, telling him to leave as long as he still could.</p><p>"We can talk tomorrow."</p><p>He looked at his friends and the disappointed looks on their faces made Tooru's heart ache.</p><p>"I promise," he added softly.</p><p>"Okay," Matsukawa answered but he didn't look all too convinced.</p><p>Before they could say anything else, Tooru turned around and rushed out of the gym, not daring to look back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tooru wasn't necessarily a liar, not really at least. He tended to hide his feelings behind a facade when he was down and sometimes he would tell himself something, hoping that he would believe it if he heard it often enough. But he didn't lie. He never denied the truth once someone knew and usually he never thought of excuses to run away from someone, especially if that person was as close to him as Matsukawa, Hanamaki and Iwaizumi were.</p><p>Tooru wasn't a liar but he would rather avoid his friends forever, thinking of one bad excuse after the other, than talk to them about the truth. He didn't want them to have read it on his face and he didn't want them to ask a question that would force him to tell them about his feelings to avoid hurting them even more. Right now, Tooru needed to lie because the truth stung. </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again!!!</p><p>I think that Oikawa's part of the story is by far the worst one. He is so hard to write and the plot is also giving me a headache so this is all just a giant mess fhdjdkdm I'm so sorry.</p><p>I still hope that you can enjoy this, whatever this is, somehow :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tooru didn't keep his promise. It's not like he wanted to break it. He never wanted to do anything to hurt his friends, but what would be waiting for him once the four of them were alone and Matsukawa, Hanamaki and Iwaizumi would start talking seemed much more terrifying than avoiding the three of them for a while.</p><p>Because the chances that they were going to say what Tooru was aching to hear were slim. There were a million other things they could talk about, a million things of which one hurt more than the other. </p><p>
  <em>     Is there something bothering you about our relationship? You seemed so odd after we told you about it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Why are you lying to us? We thought you were our friend?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     We know about your feelings. We don't feel the same way but we hope that we can stay friends.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     We know about your feelings and we want you to keep a distance from us because being friends will be too difficult.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     We know about your feelings and we will never, not in a hundred, not in a thousand years feel the same.</em>
</p><p>Tooru wasn't necessarily a liar, not really at least. He tended to hide his feelings behind a facade when he was down and sometimes he would tell himself something, hoping that he would believe it if he heard it often enough. But he didn't lie. He never denied the truth once someone knew and usually he never thought of excuses to run away from someone, especially if that person was as close to him as Matsukawa, Hanamaki and Iwaizumi were.</p><p>Tooru wasn't a liar but he would rather avoid his friends forever, thinking of one bad excuse after the other, than talk to them about the truth. He didn't want them to have read it on his face and he didn't want them to ask a question that would force him to tell them about his feelings to avoid hurting them even more. Right now, Tooru needed to lie because the truth stung. </p><p>It clawed its fingers around Tooru's heart, bit at his chest and filled his loungs until he couldn't breathe. The truth hurt, hurt so bad that Tooru felt like his mouth would light on fire as soon as the words left his lips.</p><p>Tooru didn't want to break his promise, but somehow he hadn't been able to bring himself to keep it.</p><p>When he had woken up on Tuesday, he had been determined to talk to his friends, keep his promise and be brave. But during the walk to school, his confidence had faded, become one with the wind and only left Tooru a pile of anxious thoughts.</p><p>He hadn't shown up to their lunch table that day, not even to eat. He had simply texted Iwaizumi a quick "the girl from yesterday is back. Seems like my desirability is getting in the way of our lunch". </p><p>After that he'd eaten with Yahaba, Kyoutani and Watari, pretending that he didn't see their concerned and confused gazes and that he didn't hear them whisper to each other whenever he looked down.</p><p>He had dodged all of their questions.</p><p>     "I just thought I'd grace you with my presence since I'll be graduating soon and I want to spend as much time with my kouhai as possible."</p><p>Kyoutani had asked about Iwaizumi and Watari had wondered where Matsukawa and Hanamaki were. Tooru had pretended that he hadn't heard it.</p><p>Fortunately, they never had practice on Tuesday which was why he didn't have to tell his friends an excuse as to why he was leaving without them. Instead, he had rushed home without waiting at their usual spot in front of the gym.</p><p>He had only texted them that he needed to be home quickly but never explained it.</p><p>     That night, Tooru had stayed awake longer than usual, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes, his gaze had wandered to the pictures on the wall in front of his desk. It had been dark to see something but Tooru could picture all of them perfectly. </p><p>He could remember the ones he had with Iwaizumi, most of them from when they had been younger, from when Tooru had still slept in the same bed as his best friend and from when love had been as natural as the circle of day and night. </p><p>There were a few pictures from the training camp in first year, when Tooru and Iwaizumi had actually gotten to know Matsukawa and Hanamaki. The four of them had shared a room and they had talked until late at night when Iwaizumi had fallen asleep during their banter.</p><p>Tooru had pictures with Hanamaki, with Matsukawa, with Iwaizumi and with all of them together. They were laughing in most of them, though Matsukawa's trademark deadpan expression, Hanamaki's unamused gaze and Iwaizumi's scowl graced a few of the photos as well. But Tooru didn't mind because that was who they were and it was why Tooru loved them.</p><p>The pictures had stayed in Tooru's mind for the entire night, keeping him awake and making him wonder about the kind of photos the other three were going to take, with kisses and intertwined hands.</p><p>~</p><p>Wednesday wasn't any better. Tooru woke up with bags under his eyes and a heavy heart.</p><p>It was raining that morning, which was probably the only good thing the day was holding for him because it meant that Tooru wouldn't have to walk to school with his friends.</p><p>His mother agreed to give him a ride, eyeing Tooru from head to toe. It confirmed Tooru's suspicion that he looked about as pathetic and sad as he felt in that very moment.</p><p>Tooru send a quick message to the groupchat he had with his other three friends, neither waiting for them to respond nor reading how they had reacted to his text message yesterday.</p><p>The ride to school was quiet and tense and almost as uncomfortable as the walk to school would have been if it hadn't rained. (Tooru still thanked every god and goddess in heaven for granting him one good thing.)</p><p>     "Do you want to talk about it?" Tooru's mother asked when they passed by Matsukawa's house.</p><p>She wasn't looking at Tooru, her eyes focused on the gray and rainy road. Tooru sighed and leaned back in his seat.</p><p>He gazed up at the cloudy sky, watched as rain drops fell to the ground and wondered if heaven cried for him.</p><p>     "Not really," he answered, "Not now."</p><p>~</p><p>Tooru didn't eat with his friends on Wednesday but he didn't eat with the second years either. He figured that they would be even more suspicious of him than they had been yesterday and he really, really didn't want to talk about it.</p><p>If Tooru had a choice, he would just bury all of these stupid emotions somewhere in his garden and forget that they had ever existed. It was bad enough that he had to keep them in his head and chest, saying it out loud and actually hearing the words seemed even worse.</p><p>That was why Tooru ate with Kindaichi and Kunimi that day. Kindaichi kept sending him curious and confused glances but neither him nor Kunimi said anything. Instead Kindaichi talked to Tooru about volleyball and math and some other stuff that they had similiar opinions on. Kunimi listened most of the time, throwing in a few sarcastic and witty comments and sometimes complaining about a subject.</p><p>It was nice as long as it lasted and as long as Tooru could forget about the looks on his friends' faces when he'd rushed out of the gym on Monday. As long as he could forget about the talk they wanted to have with him and as long as he could forget about the feelings he held for them.</p><p>~</p><p>
  <em>     I need to be the first. I need to be the first. I need to be the first.</em>
</p><p>The sentence kept playing in Tooru's head like a broken record  when he was walking to the club room that day. Usually before practice, he was excited and aching to finally get on the court and hold a volleyball in his hands. Today, Tooru felt nervous and itchy.</p><p>He hadn't seen his friends the entire day long, always avoiding the places where he knew they'd be and always looking out for pink hair, black curls or dark spikes. He hadn't seen them the entire day and he had ditched them the day before, after promising that they were going to have that talk his friends seemed to want so badly.</p><p>     Tooru missed them, missed their usual banter and bickering, the effortless feeling of comort around them and the way his heart fluttered when they looked at him. He missed them but at the same time he couldn't stand to face them at that very moment.</p><p>He couldn't stand to see their disappointed, angry, sad faces that would only remind them of how bad all of this was and how much worse it would get once they would have that stupid talk.</p><p>     Tooru took a deep breath, searching for the keys of the club room in the pocket of his pants. Fortunately, there was really no one else at the club room yet which meant that, if he managed to get changed quickly enough, Tooru could enter the gym without looking at his friends and getting asked about why he had been avoiding them.</p><p><em>Why can't everything be easy?</em> Tooru wondered, <em>all of this sucks.</em></p><p>He sighed when he opened the door. In first and second year, everything had been so much less complicated and it had all hurt so much less too. </p><p>Tooru walked to his locker, playing with the keys in his hand. The room felt so empty without everyone else. It was silent and heavy, so unlike the laughter and teasing that was usually all around. Tooru's heart ached.</p><p>     He went to open his locker when the door opened abruptly. Tooru turned around, ready to complain about whoever had ripped open the door so suddenly, but the words were stuck in his throat.</p><p>Matsukawa, Iwaizumi and Hanamaki were standing in the door frame, eyes set on Tooru and with the exact expressions on their faces that Tooru had been dreading to see.</p><p>     "We need to talk."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Does this even make sense????</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Throughout the past few days, Tooru had thought that he'd been building himself a ladder out of the hole he was trapped in. A ladder of lies that would help him climb out of the situation he had found himself in, so that he could leave it behind. Instead, Tooru realized now, he had only dug a deeper hole for himself, the earth crumbling above him and threatening to fall down and bury him alive. </p><p>All of the lies and excuses he had made were going to collapse onto him as soon as his friends would ask the first questions. His friends whom Tooru had shunned and run away from for the past three days with no explanation at all. His friends who probably wanted to talk about his feelings for them, asking him to grant them a look into his heart so that they could rip it in pieces once and for all.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again!!</p><p>Uhm, first of all, I hope that you can enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. And then I wanted to apologize for posting the other two chaoters again but I noticed a lot of mistakes in them because I didn't proof read them.</p><p>Anyways, I hope you have fun reading!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Throughout the past few days, Tooru had thought that he'd been building himself a ladder out of the hole he was trapped in. A ladder of lies that would help him climb out of the situation he had found himself in, so that he could leave it behind. Instead, Tooru realized now, he had only dug a deeper hole for himself, the earth crumbling above him and threatening to fall down and bury him alive. </p><p>All of the lies and excuses he had made were going to collapse onto him as soon as his friends would ask the first questions. His friends whom Tooru had shunned and run away from for the past three days with no explanation at all. His friends who probably wanted to talk about his feelings for them, asking him to grant them a look into his heart so that they could rip it in pieces once and for all.</p><p>Tooru felt sick. He hadn't said a single word after his friends had stormed into the locker room. Instead, he was still staring at them, eyes wide and his heart twisting and clenching in his chest, as if it was trying to get out of his ribcage.</p><p>He opened his mouth, just to close it again. He wanted to say something, be it another excuse to avoid this conversation or an actual apology for what had happened. He wanted to talk to them but the words couldn't seem to get past his lips.</p><p>     "Don't run away again," Hanamaki said, firm but a little bit softer than before.</p><p>Tooru focused on him for a few seconds. Hanamaki looked serious, not unamused or unbothered but completely serious. He was looking right back at Tooru, a silent plead written on his face.</p><p>     <em>Stay. Please</em>.</p><p>Tooru took a deep breathe and then nodded.</p><p>He nodded because even though he didn't want to stay, not in the slightest bit, he would do everything to make the look on Hanamaki's face go away. That look like he was going to run away as soon as they turned their backs on him. This openly hurt expression that Tooru had been the cause of.</p><p>     "I won't run away," Tooru whispered hoarsely.</p><p>He watched as Hanamaki's expression shifted. His face relaxed and the corners of his mouth twitched, the ghost of a smile showing for a few seconds.</p><p>And even though Tooru was still dreading the conversation that was yet to come, he could feel his chest lighten and his heart flutter, if only for a bit.</p><p>     "Good," Hanamaki responded.</p><p>"Maybe we should sit down or something," Iwaizumi chimed in.</p><p>Tooru could feel fear crawling back into him, spreading in his chest and filling his lungs. He glanced at his best friend of more than fifteen years. </p><p>Iwaizumi wasn't looking at him and Tooru didn't know whether to feel relieved that he wasn't getting stared at as if he was some sort of crossword puzzle or to be even more anxious because what if that was even worse?</p><p>"Sounds good," Matsukawa said awkwardly, "This could take a while."</p><p>"But what about practice?" Tooru frowned, feeling the usual itchy feeling in his fingers when he thought about his favourite part of the day.</p><p>"We're not needed today," Matsukawa said, "Coach wants to practice with the new team and he said that we're useless as long as we're like this." He gestured between the four of them when he said the last two words.</p><p>     Hanamaki snorted and Iwaizumi huffed.</p><p>"But what about everyone else?" Tooru looked around the locker room. "They have to get changed too, we should probably talk somewhere else."</p><p>"I thought you said you wouldn't run away," Iwaizumi reminded him in the same tone of voice he used when he told Tooru about not staying up late to watch other teams' matches.</p><p>"I'm not running away," Tooru defended himself," I just don't want to stop anyone from playing, that's all."</p><p>     Of course, there was still a part inside of him that wanted to take the next best chance he'd get to bolt out of the room, Tooru couldn't deny that, but this time he wasn't going to act on it. It seemed useless anyway, at some point they would have to have this conversation and it was probably better to talk about it now than to wait until graduation.</p><p>"Everyone else will have to get changed somewhere else. It's not like they haven't done that before."</p><p>Tooru nodded again.</p><p>     "Okay," he said, "then let's do this."</p><p><em>Let's not</em>, his brain argued.</p><p>His heart ached and his stomach twisted.</p><p>     "Yeah," Matsukawa muttered, "Let's do this."</p><p>He grabbed one of the chairs that always stood around the room and sat down, waiting for everyone else to do the same.</p><p>I'm not the only one who's making this longer than it has to be, Tooru noted in his head, they're also nervous.</p><p>Tooru didn't really know what his friends were nervous about. They were not the ones about to talk about their deepest, darkest secret that could ruin their entire friendship.</p><p>Hanamaki and Iwaizumi pulled two other chairs on Matsukawa's right and left side (unnecessarily slow, Tooru noticed). Tooru sat down in front of them, hands in his lap and his heart in his throat.</p><p>He felt like he was standing with his back against the wall. There was no way he could get out of this situation anymore, he had agreed to stay and talk to them and he was going to do just that. He was going to say the truth and only the truth, no matter how much it was going to hurt. </p><p>Tooru dug his nails into the palm of his hand.</p><p>     "So, where did you eat today?"</p><p>Tooru scrunched his nose up in confusion. He gazed up at Hanamaki who was looking everywhere but not in his direction.</p><p>"With Kunimi and Kindaichi," Tooru answered slowly, not sure if Hanamaki had tried to draw the actual conversation further out or if he had just been worried for nothing.</p><p>"Really?" Hanamaki still wasn't looking at him.</p><p>Tooru glanced at his other two friends. Iwaizumi was hiding his face in his hands while Matsukawa was staring at Hanamaki in his typical deadpan are-you-fucking-kidding-me kind of way.</p><p>"Is that really what you wanted to talk about?" Tooru raised an eyebrow. "Who I ate with?"</p><p>It was silent for a few seconds. The three boys in front of him exchanged nervous gazes, still avoiding Tooru's eyes like the plague. For some reason, it felt a little bit less scary to know that his friends were just as scared to have this conversation as he was.</p><p>"No," Iwaizumi responded after a while, "That's not what we wanted to talk about."</p><p>"You've been avoiding us," Matsukawa started, speaking slowly like he was making sure he got everything right.</p><p>     Tooru bit his lip and looked down, guilt settling in his heart.</p><p>"After we told you that we all got together," Hanamaki continued, "you started avoiding us."</p><p>"Why?" Tooru casted his eyes on Iwaizumi. The other was looking right back at him, eyebrows furrowed and frowning like he always did when he was worried about someone.</p><p>"You want to know why I avoided you," Tooru repeated even slower than Matsukawa, "Why I avoided you after you revealed your relationship to me."</p><p>"Yes," Hanamaki answered, "That's what we want to know."</p><p>     "I-" Tooru dug his nails deeper into his skin. </p><p>He knew that he would have to say this, knew what this entire conversation had been for and yet, he still felt overwhelmed by the question.</p><p>"And don't lie," Matsukawa added, "Please."</p><p>Tooru felt like he had been stabbed, like there was a knife right where his heart was and it was getting pushed deeper with every word his friends spoke.</p><p>
  <em>     You know already, don't you? So why are you making me say it.</em>
</p><p>"It's not like I wanted to," Tooru started, "It just kind of happened."</p><p>He wanted to say more, wanted to explain but the words were stuck in his throat.</p><p>"That's not all," Iwaizumi remarked.</p><p>"I don't want to say it," Tooru admitted quietly, "I don't think I can."</p><p>"Whatever it is, it's okay. Just spit it out."</p><p>"It's not that easy," Tooru muttered, "I-"</p><p>He stopped talking, not knowing what he had even planned on saying.</p><p>"I can go first if you don't know what to say." Matsukawa spoke through the silence.</p><p>Tooru eyed him suspiciously.</p><p>
  <em>So you do know already.</em>
</p><p>"How can <em>you</em> say something about why<em> I</em> avoided you?"</p><p>Maybe that was a little mean and maybe Tooru's tone of voice was a little harsh but he couldn't help feeling a little betrayed as to why his friend was making him say the painful truth if he already knew everything.</p><p>"I don't know why you're running away but I can tell you why I was," Matsukawa countered.</p><p>"Well, we all know why." Tooru crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, the dagger in chest turning and twisting and aching. "Otherwise we wouldn't be here."</p><p>"Are you sure that this is a good idea?" Hanamaki asked, ignoring Tooru's comment, "What if you got this all wrong?"</p><p>"We have to talk about it sooner or later. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong."</p><p>"What are you even talking about?" Tooru asked.</p><p>He wanted this to be over as soon as possible and with every time someone changed the topic, there was at least another minute added onto this conversation.</p><p>Tooru watched as Iwaizumi linked his hand with Matsukawa's in a way that was probably supposed to be reassuring. Tooru felt like crying.</p><p>     "Well -," Matsukawa started, suddenly sounding just as careful and anxious as Tooru when he had tried to talk about his feelings, " - I'm talking about the fact that I'm in love with Hanamaki and Iwaizumi."</p><p>Tooru could feel his heart break into a billion of pieces. If they already knew, and he was sure that they did, then why did they have to rub it into his face? Why did they have to tell him how in love they were? Why did they have to show him that they didn't need him, didn't want him, at all?</p><p>     "I'm in love with Hanamaki and Iwaizumi and I'm in love with you."</p><p>Tooru's jaw dropped. His heart skipped at least four beats and then it soared.</p><p>Tooru didn't know if he was going to cry, smile or just laugh hysterically. </p><p>
  <em>He loves me. Mattsun loves me.</em>
</p><p>"Me too," Hanamaki added when Tooru didn't say anything for a while, "I love all three of you, romantically."</p><p>
  <em>Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.</em>
</p><p>Tooru felt like someone had put Helium in his chest, like he was going to start floating at every given second.</p><p>"I love you too," Iwaizumi said, "If you didn't already know that."</p><p>Tooru blinked a few times, gawking at his three best friends who had just said what Tooru had only ever expected them to say in his dreams.</p><p>"We thought we should tell you because Matsukawa thought you have feelings for us too," Hanamaki explained.</p><p>"At least for them," Matsukawa said, "It was kind of obvious."</p><p>
  <em>They love me. They love me. They love me. All of them love me.</em>
</p><p>Tooru had never felt so warm in his entire life. His entire body was tingling and he felt like he was going to dissolve into confetti.</p><p>"Why aren't you saying anything?" Iwaizumi frowned, visbily becoming more nervous. "Oikawa?"</p><p>Tooru blinked a few times.</p><p>"You love me?" He hadn't meant for it to sound as stupid and toneless as it did but for some reason it came out like that.</p><p>"Yes," Hanamaki repeated, "For three years."</p><p>"Seven years," Iwaizumi corrected quietly, "in my case."</p><p><em>I love you too</em>, Tooru wanted to say, <em>I love you so much it hurt to look at you without me because I thought that I could never have you in the way I wanted to.</em></p><p>     "Oh," he made instead.</p><p>"What does that mean?" Matsukawa frowned. "Can you just say something?"</p><p>"I love you too," Tooru blurted out, "All of you. A lot. And when you got together I started avoiding you because I didn't think you felt the same way about me."</p><p>"Of course we do, dumbass," Iwaizumi answered, a smile forming on his lips that made Tooru's heart melt in his chest.</p><p>"Oh my god." Hanamaki put a hand over his heart. "I thought I was going to die. Why did you take so long?"</p><p>Tooru opened his mouth but was quickly interrupted by Matsukawa.</p><p>     "I call dibs on kissing you first."</p><p>Tooru blinked a few times, his heart beat speading up once again.</p><p>"What?" Hanamaki turned to Matsukawa. "Why?"</p><p>"Yeah, why?" Iwaizumi scowled.</p><p>"Well, you kissed Hanamaki first and Hanamaki kissed you and me first. That means I get to kiss Oikawa first." Matsukawa grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "It just makes sense."</p><p>"Do I not get a say in this?" Tooru chimed in.</p><p>His three friends (boyfriends?) looked at him, Matsukawa smirked while Hanamaki and Iwaizumi were both pouting.</p><p>     "Do you not want to kiss me?"</p><p>Tooru just grinned and leaned forward to connect their lips. It felt soft and nice and warm and so much better than every girl Tooru had ever kissed in his life. Matsukawa cupped Tooru's face in his hands and he could feel him smiling into the kiss. </p><p>"Get a room," Hanamaki commented and the two of them pulled away to smirk at the other boy.</p><p>"You're just jealous that you haven't kissed me yet," Tooru teased.</p><p>"Well, then we should probably change that, shouldn't we?"</p><p>Tooru grinned and then they were kissing too. Hanamaki's lips were a little bit less soft than Matsukawa's and the kiss tasted a little sweeter. It wasn't a long kiss but the few seconds that their lips met felt like eternity.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There's only one part left and I don't know if I'm happy or sad about it</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, I just wanted to say something: I really appreciate every comment I got on the past two fics even if I don't always respond to the. Sometimes I just don't know what to say and then I get anxious and not say anything at all but I'm very happy to see your comments and I really, really appreciate them &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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